My head is buzzing and i’m feeling so weird and disappointed. Speaking too much is not a good thing, actually. I wanted to provide the right explanation. I wanted to make people realize some things must be changed. From now on, I will keep my thoughts inside my head. I will stop talking about depression or toxic people or me desperately wishing to save the world.

Yeah, I’m leaving and I will have 50% less commuting time and I will earn something like 30% more. If that ain’t a reason enough, go to hell.

L’avantage d’avoir 18 personnes en permanence dans sa tête, c’est que l’introspection devient un travail en équipe.

#1 (sur la défensive) : je ne suis pas une personne négative. La preuve, voilà la liste de toutes les choses positives, ou que j’ai rendues positives.

#2 (gentille) : vouloir aider les autres, même si on part, c’est positif.

#3 (ironique) : haha c’est plutôt ton côté sauveur

#4 (cherche dans sa mémoire) : tu parles du triangle dramatique qu’on a vu en formation relationnelle ?

#5 (prof) : effectivement, on a vu que dans les situations de la vie, on peut être persécuteur, victime, ou sauveur. Et on passe de l’un à l’autre suivant les circonstances.

#6 (victime) : on parle de moi ?

#7 (agacée) : on a dit qu’on était pas une victime. On veut être celle qui aide les autres. On a mal vécu le fait d’avoir besoin d’aide ou d’avoir besoin d’un cocon. On a même écrit un truc là dessus.

#8 (doute) : du coup quand on a cherché de l’aide, on a mis involontairement cette personne dans le rôle de sauveur vis à vis de nous ? C’est négatif, non ?

#9 (inquiète) : en fait, oui. Merde. Qu’est ce qu’on a fait ??

#10 (rassurante) : vous déconnez, là. Il y avait vraiment un problème, on a essayé de le résoudre de façon tout à fait professionnelle.

#11 (pas rassurée du tout) : certes mais on nous a aussi aidée par amitié. Si ça se trouve, tout ce qu’on a fait, ça a créé une spirale toxique

#12 (perplexe) : bon on fait quoi du coup ?

#13 (dans l’avion) : de toute façon on va tous mourir

#14 et #15 (en chœur) : mais TG toi.

#16 (résolue) : il va falloir qu’on parle.

#17 (dépitée) : du coup on a vraiment été une personne négative. Sachant ça, c’est certain qu’on va pas pouvoir rester.

#18 (pragmatique) : au moins, maintenant, on a compris où on a merdé. Alors on prend nos responsabilités, on apprend, on s’explique, et on essaye de ne pas refaire les mêmes erreurs.

In the last weeks, I have often been called a very negative person. It was deeply hurtful and absolutely untrue. Here’s why.

When I was offered a new job last year, I knew it was a bit too early regarding my personal life, as it meant more commuting time and not being able to bring my little one to school 2 days a week. However, it was interesting, I was undoubtedly skilled and, despite the risks, I took the job. That was positive.

My first project was considered an impossible task and the team was demotivated. Obviously, why should you work for hours if you know you have no chance to make it? I negotiated the features and the planning, I asked the team to start integrating so things became more concrete. Against all odds, we succeeded. And at that time, I worked on that project only 2 days a week. That was positive.

When some idiot project manager started questioning my work and my skills, I fought back to prove that I was competent, until I realised that it had no effect and that it put my health at risk. Leaving the project meant even more commuting time, yet I made the decision to go back to a safe place with my team. That was positive.

When we stumbled upon some big issues on a new project, I searched for every possible idea and help and solution, to keep the team motivated and finally succeed, even if we were 4 months late. That was positive.

When I had to work again with some other stupid project manager, I did my best to protect my team and finish the tasks as soon as possible, and we managed to leave the project when our work was done. That was positive.

When a headhunter called me and unintendedly made me realize that I was actually reaching the end of my resources, I agreed to an interview for a new job. And I got it. That was not a flight. That was positive.

If I keep on complaining about all the things that happened, it’s not to seek attention or pity, but a desperate search for solutions. Even if I’m leaving, problems will still be there and some other people will be at risk if nothing is done to prevent it. Whether you believe it or not, this is positive.