In the last weeks, I have often been called a very negative person. It was deeply hurtful and absolutely untrue. Here’s why.

When I was offered a new job last year, I knew it was a bit too early regarding my personal life, as it meant more commuting time and not being able to bring my little one to school 2 days a week. However, it was interesting, I was undoubtedly skilled and, despite the risks, I took the job. That was positive.

My first project was considered an impossible task and the team was demotivated. Obviously, why should you work for hours if you know you have no chance to make it? I negotiated the features and the planning, I asked the team to start integrating so things became more concrete. Against all odds, we succeeded. And at that time, I worked on that project only 2 days a week. That was positive.

When some idiot project manager started questioning my work and my skills, I fought back to prove that I was competent, until I realised that it had no effect and that it put my health at risk. Leaving the project meant even more commuting time, yet I made the decision to go back to a safe place with my team. That was positive.

When we stumbled upon some big issues on a new project, I searched for every possible idea and help and solution, to keep the team motivated and finally succeed, even if we were 4 months late. That was positive.

When I had to work again with some other stupid project manager, I did my best to protect my team and finish the tasks as soon as possible, and we managed to leave the project when our work was done. That was positive.

When a headhunter called me and unintendedly made me realize that I was actually reaching the end of my resources, I agreed to an interview for a new job. And I got it. That was not a flight. That was positive.

If I keep on complaining about all the things that happened, it’s not to seek attention or pity, but a desperate search for solutions. Even if I’m leaving, problems will still be there and some other people will be at risk if nothing is done to prevent it. Whether you believe it or not, this is positive.

For more than a month, my mind has been circling and thinking. I feel like I am the most wanted person in the world. I also feel like I am the biggest deception in the world for the people who counted on me. The place where I really wanted to be seems to fade away because I am not able to see things the right way. I am a very positive person when it comes to other people but not for myself. It was not my fault that these unfair things happened to me but it is my fault if I don’t get over it. I want to be happy but when it happens, it scares me beyond understanding. Thinking of my future job makes me smile. And smiling about it makes me feel like a betrayor. I loved so much when I used to smile every morning, thinking of my job.

I am a living paradox. I cannot get my mind right and I hate that.

Non, ce n’est pas une thématique boulot puisqu’on est dimanche! Ce matin, nous avons travaillé le saut d’obstacles les yeux fermés.

C’est assez étrange à quel point le cheval ressent nos appréhensions. Dès que j’abordais l’obstacle avec un doute, ma jument se dérobait. Et lorsque j’y croyais, elle faisait un saut parfait sans le moindre déséquilibre. Preuve que la confiance est la clé du travail en équipe !

Un point boulot quand même, pour finir. Une cavalière me demande des nouvelles et j’explique que non, je ne vais pas très bien, et je démissionne.

Elle : ah oui tu étais chez presse-citron

Moi : ??

Elle : quand on travaillait avec ton entreprise, il y a déjà 10 ans, on les appelait comme ça. Jamais vu une société mettre autant de pression sur ses employés. Tu verras, tu seras bien mieux dans ta nouvelle entreprise que je connais très bien aussi.

Même si ce n’est pas la raison de mon départ, je retiendrai que parfois, les encouragements viennent d’où on s’y attend le moins. Pour moi, ce changement va être un saut dans l’inconnu. Mais comme je crois en moi, je sauterai les yeux fermés.