the never ending sorry

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For more than a month, my mind has been circling and thinking. I feel like I am the most wanted person in the world. I also feel like I am the biggest deception in the world for the people who counted on me. The place where I really wanted to be seems to fade away because I am not able to see things the right way. I am a very positive person when it comes to other people but not for myself. It was not my fault that these unfair things happened to me but it is my fault if I don’t get over it. I want to be happy but when it happens, it scares me beyond understanding. Thinking of my future job makes me smile. And smiling about it makes me feel like a betrayor. I loved so much when I used to smile every morning, thinking of my job.

I am a living paradox. I cannot get my mind right and I hate that.

aujourd’hui on va travailler la confiance

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Non, ce n’est pas une thématique boulot puisqu’on est dimanche! Ce matin, nous avons travaillé le saut d’obstacles les yeux fermés.

C’est assez étrange à quel point le cheval ressent nos appréhensions. Dès que j’abordais l’obstacle avec un doute, ma jument se dérobait. Et lorsque j’y croyais, elle faisait un saut parfait sans le moindre déséquilibre. Preuve que la confiance est la clé du travail en équipe !

Un point boulot quand même, pour finir. Une cavalière me demande des nouvelles et j’explique que non, je ne vais pas très bien, et je démissionne.

Elle : ah oui tu étais chez presse-citron

Moi : ??

Elle : quand on travaillait avec ton entreprise, il y a déjà 10 ans, on les appelait comme ça. Jamais vu une société mettre autant de pression sur ses employés. Tu verras, tu seras bien mieux dans ta nouvelle entreprise que je connais très bien aussi.

Même si ce n’est pas la raison de mon départ, je retiendrai que parfois, les encouragements viennent d’où on s’y attend le moins. Pour moi, ce changement va être un saut dans l’inconnu. Mais comme je crois en moi, je sauterai les yeux fermés.

see you later alligator

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– do you want to come and stay in our island? It’s lovely. Grass is green, people are nice and we have chocolate.

– sure, it seems so cosy. I love chocolate. What’s on the other side of the sea?

– that’s the land of the Projects. It’s great but difficult to get there. See? There are a lot of alligators.

– I’m not afraid of alligators, I have seen some alligators before, and much more dangerous. I want to try.

– you can try. I will watch over you.

– fork, some alligator bite me, it hurts. Not cool. Can I stay with you on the island and try again later?

– sure. You know, it’s not the only way, you can also sail over other seas with nice dolphins.

– I really want to go this way because I know that I will be able to do some great things there. But some alligator bite me again. I’m really hurt. What should I do?

– you can stay with us, we created a nice cocoon here, people feel good and everyone loves you. If one alligator crosses the border, it will find me on its way and I’ll bite it right away.

– I feel so loved and valued. Yet, I think it’s not right for me to stay in a cocoon. I deserve to have the right to sail freely. I don’t want to be defined as a victim of alligators.

– we don’t see you as a victim. Forget about alligators, they aren’t worth it. The cocoon is really a safe place, and it needs you. You can tell me whatever you need to feel better. Do you want me to sing a serenade?

– owww I love serenades. You know I really feel good in the cocoon. But seeing these alligators attacking people without any consequences is unfair. Not being able to help and change things is very hard for me. I am sorry to hurt you and leave everyone behind, but do you mind if I go to another island so I can try it a different way?

————–

Inspiration comes from this song:  Papooz – Ulysses and the Sea

Lorient, un an après

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Au hasard d’un week-end en famille en Bretagne, je me retrouve à la Base de Lorient. C’est sympa comme endroit, j’y suis déjà venue, il y a 1 an lors d’un déplacement pro.

Tiens oui, je m’en souviens maintenant. Je venais de démissionner et je me présentais fièrement comme future ingénieure de ma nouvelle entreprise. C’est là que j’ai rencontré pour la première fois un certain P., ingénieur expérimenté dans l’entreprise où j’arrivais. J’étais fière, ravie d’être là, des projets plein la tête. Je ne savais pas ce qui m’attendait.

Aujourd’hui je suis au même endroit, devant la Base. Il faisait beau, aujourd’hui il tombe des trombes d’eau. J’avais confiance en moi, aujourd’hui je cherche qui je suis.  L’ingénieur en question n’était pas un gentil bonhomme mais un persécuteur, qui n’en était pas à son coup d’essai, qui plus est. J’étais future embauchée, aujourd’hui démissionnaire. Les choses ont changé, et moi avec, plus que je n’aurais pu imaginer.

Le souvenir est vif mais curieusement il ne me fait pas souffrir. Hier, j’ai laissé un message à mon futur responsable pour proposer de venir rencontrer l’équipe, car le temps me paraît long depuis l’entretien et au moins autant d’ici mon arrivée chez eux. A lire sa réponse, il semble trouver que c’est une bonne idée. Et moi, même si je n’ai pas totalement tourné la page, je me sens prête à me projeter dans le futur.

what if…

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what if your company’s name literally meant « I am fine » but you don’t feel fine at all ?

what if you constantly felt depreciated, harrassed, injustly treated, even if you know that it came from people well known for their incompetence ?

and what if, apart from that, you were in a great team with competent, motivated and loyal people, managed by a even greater team leader, thoughtful and knowing how to challenge and motivate people ?

problem is, you should never tell someone depressed just to « see things the other way ». Depression is made of so much negative and bad feelings about oneself, that the only thing one feels, above all other things, is the guilt of not being capable to beat the odds.

i still do not know how to tell if it’s brave or being a coward, running away from an unhealthy environment. People will tell you that you should not turn your back on this situation and that you will always find toxic or incompetent people in your way.

and what if… i took a chance ?

now is the right time to leave facebook

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For many years, I had a facebook account and I loved posting photos of my children and things about myself so people could keep in touch with me, even without interactions other than a like under my posts. I felt happy about it.

Today I feel that I am sharing much more than I know about people. I barely know anything about the life of my contacts. I feel weird, and a bit sad about it. It makes me feel that I am obviously using facebook the wrong way, and that it’s not my « good place » anymore.

I will deactivate my account, and I hope people will have read my last message before then (with a bit of luck, some of them subscribed to my account and will be notified). I will not delete it, because very selfishly, I like to go sometimes through the old memories, and remember things I only shared there.

I’ve had a happy time there and I sometimes found it very comforting, but life changes. Hardest thing will be not watching likes or comments below. Worst scenario ? « Hey guys, I’m leaving ! – 27 people like it. … oh dear

If you want to stay connected, I have lots (or way too much, I’m afraid) of other social network accounts.

You can follow me on Twitter. I do not post personal things about myself there, but my (re)tweets tell a lot about how I am feeling at that moment.

I also have an Instagram account where I define myself as « knitter and citroënist ». If you are not into yarn or cars, you may not find anything interesting in it

For professional network, I have a LinkedIn profile.

I like to write stories about myself, about readings, life, and even some tales, on my personal blog. I do not want to share it on facebook but if you care, you can ask me about it

You can also stay in touch by e-mail, or even (what a strange idea !) give me a phone call.

The girl in a plane (short story)

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That day, I was so stressed when the plane was about to take off that my seatmate kept talking and asking me questions to make me think about something else.

My brain (willingly) : « yeah that’s interesting »

Also my brain (disturbed) : « I really have no idea what you are talking about, I know these are words but they don’t make any sense to me »

Also my brain (panicked) : « I’m in a plane and we’re all gonna die »

Also my brain (pragmatic) : « I know exactly what you’re trying to do and I am really really grateful but I’m in a plane AND I KNOW WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE »

too much damage

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– hi, I’m Lina, we talked a few months ago. I wondered if you might be interested in a new job opportunity we have for you?

My mind raced for a short moment. Actually, I should tell her that I’m not looking for a change. I’m in my current job since a few months only, and I remember that I was so proud when I joined. Well, to be honest, I have to admit that the first months were a bit of a chaos because I had the misfortune to cross the path of some very toxic people. I was badly hurt but I thought that I had the strength to go on because I had invaluable support from my team. Plus, the company Lina is talking about was, until that moment, the very last I would have wanted to join. Last year, she called me twice and I didn’t even agree to an interview (some weird and maybe inappropriate loyalty to a previous job I left years ago)

Later, I would remember this moment as if I had been a rag doll played by some sadistic puppeteer, hanging with delicate threads that he was relentlessly cutting one by one, and the last one broke that day.

– hi Lina, yeah I remember you very well. Could you tell me more about this job offer?

feeling bad

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Quinzième tentative de message et je ne sais toujours pas comment m’exprimer. Comment ce projet peut-il à ce point me faire perdre toute confiance ?

Je ne suis pas assez forte pour ça ?

Je me plains tout le temps, je saoule tout le monde… mais ce n’est pas moi, ça. J’ai toujours été celle qui aide les autres, pas l’inverse.

31 décembre 2018

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2018 s’achève bientôt. Ce fut une année à la fois riche et éprouvante émotionnellement.
De nouvelles rencontres et des amitiés.
La disparition de plusieurs êtres chers, mais leur souvenir demeure.
L’appartement, l’entrée au collège pour mini, nano qui veut émigrer aux Pays-Bas.
Un nouveau tournant professionnel avec un retour tel que je l’espérais, vers l’automobile.
Une année résolument marquée par les relations humaines.
Des moments difficiles voire surréalistes où je me suis vue reprocher des « problèmes relationnels », de casser mes collaborateurs (… wait, what?) mais dans lesquels j’ai eu des soutiens vraiment inestimables. J’en sors finalement plus forte, avec le sentiment que j’ai raison de croire en moi, et la volonté, toujours, de faire avancer les choses et les gens.

Je vous souhaite à tous un magnifique réveillon.